Andrew W.K., A True American Hero

Andrew W.K.


Well, I never thought I’d say (write) this sentence in my whole miserable life:  I recently had the opportunity to interview Andrew W.K.  That’s right, Mr.Would-Be-Cultural-Ambassador-of-the-United-States-to-Bahrain himself.  Yup, the man once chosen to represent our fine nation and the power of “positive partying” on an international scale took time from his diplomatic endeavors to entertain my stupid questions.

After meeting Andrew (first name basis, duh), my respect for the burgeoning bureaucrat was quad-tripled (and this is including the respect levels ascertained after watching Crashing With Andrew W.K where he led the North Carolina Central University half-time show).  The “party” ethos is strong with this one, and coming from a dude who really loves a weird-good time, I think there is much to learn from this motivational speaker/rockstar/brony/American Hero.  So, U.S. Department of State, consider this an open-letter of condemnation for your backhanded rescission decision.  We owe the world the chance to experience this national treasure, and you know it.

How would you describe your music to a stranger?

Party, party, party!

What’s your go-to karaoke song?

Any music.  As long as I can have some familiarity with how to sing it or perform it.  Karaoke is very fun.  Whether you’re a professional or an amateur, it’s about embracing and enjoying the music you love.

What’s the best thing that happened to you today?

Today?  Or to date?  I went to the bathroom, it was a bit of a waste.  But the good kind of waste.

If you had a pet cactus, what would you name it?

Oh, gee whiz.  Jo-Jo maybe?  Jo-Jo!

If you had one inanimate object that you could deem your “best friend” what would it be?

I was going to say a cactus but it’s not entirely inanimate.  It is growing and thriving, hopefully.  It is alive.  So, inanimate, like a pet rock?  I mean everything is animate to a degree.  It has atoms and molecules making it exist, there is movement in even the most stationary of objects.  Uh, I have no answer, I am kept from speech.

If you were participating in the Olympics, and it included any activity, what event would you be best suited for?

Probably swimming, that’s what I spent the most time doing in High School and Junior High School.

When are you the happiest?

When I’m not dead.

Fittingly, what song would you like to play at your funeral?

I’m going to ask for silence.  There’s a lot of music full-blown in my life, it would be nice to have that contrast.

What is one thing that you are hiding or running from?

I’m hiding my private parts.  I mean, I’m wearing clothing so I’m hiding my body.  I’m not running from it, I’ve tried to run away from it, it keeps catching up to me wherever I run.  It seems almost attached to me.  Maybe one day I’ll actually split off and go my separate way from my physical self, until then I’ll just keep it covered and pretend it doesn’t exist.

Is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jack hammer?

Like a moist rain storm with a rubber jack hammer delivery — like, soft — to cushion the blow.

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